WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF?

What are you afraid of? That's one of the biggest button-pushing phrases I can think of. I know it really pushes a button for me, and for most other folks I see asked that question. Recently, a friend had had a small run-in with some boys at a summer camp. He had gotten angry, and was decrying the fact to me. He didn't like getting angry at the boys, but they were acting up in spite of his suggestions that their behavior wasn't very nice.

I said, "What are you afraid of?" His immediate reaction was one of defensiveness. Then we talked about anger and fear. He soon saw the reality of his anger, and was able to overcome the resulting distress.

One of the most illuminating concepts to come into my life is that all anger is based in fear. Not only anger, but any of the distressing emotions; frustration, embarrassment, even grief. Grief? Yes even the distressing part of grief is based in fear.

Well, how does that all work? We'll have to go kind of slow so we won't get lost.

I think the first thing we must investigate is not the anger or the fear, but what is the object of the fear; it's cause. Otherwise we'll get bogged down in specifics. Like, "Well, he hit me first!" One thing I've learned, is to stay far away from specifics.

When I tried to track down the causes of my fears, I expected to find many. But I didn't. I couldn't! No matter how many situations I tried to imagine, the fear that was present was always based in one thing. Invalidation.

OK, let me give you the point of this whole thing. It's something that we've all heard. We grew up with it. I wonder why we didn't learn it? Here it is. "Sticks and stones will break my bones, but names will never hurt me." There, now we can all go home and live out lives without fear, anger or stress. Well, maybe we should read a little farther, huh?

It's all invalidation. What's invalidation? First let's define validation. My big dictionary says, "to ratify or confirm." My small one says, "supported by facts." I'll paraphrase all that by saying, "to acknowledge, through physical acts, the reality of something." In terms of a person, validation may be anything from saying the person's name, to saving their life.

Now let's take another look at invalidation. To invalidate someone, is to act in such a way as to lessen their real-ness to some degree. Putdown humor is a good example of invalidation. Not calling to say you'll be an hour late, is invalidating to the person who's waiting for you. Do you get the picture? Anything we do that puts another person in an inferior position to us, or anyone else, is invalidation.

We'll get back to invalidation in just a minute. We must now try to establish our basic worth. It's my strong conviction, that there is a basic value that is possessed by every human being on the planet. From the King to the criminal, we all have this basic human worth. It's not a very concrete thing that we can measure, but we know with absolute certainty that we have it.

A good example is the wino in the gutter. If someone comes up to him and puts some negative judgement on his circumstances, that wino is going to be aware that the jerk is putting him down. When someone talks down at us, we always feel it. Especially if we're laying in the gutter. We may be in no position to do or say anything about it at the time, but we have sure knowledge that the other person thinks we're no good. Certainly not as good as them. If we're strong enough, we get angry.

How about the last time some jerk cut you off on the road. Not only did the guy run up your tail end before pulling out to pass, but cut in so sharply that you had to brake. And to top it off, there wasn't even another car coming! Remember how mad you got? "What right has that @$#{}!E got to do that to me?" In other words, "I've got as much right to the road as he has!" Notice, it's your rights that are really at issue. That jerk is acting as if you didn't exist. Or if you do exist, your existence isn't worth enough to make it valid; by giving you a little more room. He's not confirming your worth. He's saying, "I'm worth more than you!"

Now, that kind of stuff makes me mad! I know he's no better than me. So do you. There's that inborn sense of basic worth. It's what the founding fathers were talking about when they drew up the Bill of Rights. That's what they were talking about when they used the term "unalienable rights." Those unalienable rights are directly tied to our basic human worth. And we've ALL got it. To the SAME degree.

And here's the startling fact that I learned about that basic human worth. Please notice that this is all in caps. YOU CAN'T CHANGE THE BASIC HUMAN WORTH! It's inviolate. The only thing that can change, is circumstances. Let's prove that last statement with a graphic little experiment.

I want you to hold out your hand. Use your favorite. Now I want you to concentrate real hard, and look at the hand. Try with all you sincere effort to will that hand, to change into a foot. I'll wait here while you try. I'm not kidding. Give it a little shot, just to get the feel of it.

Did you succeed? I hope you did, but I really think that your hand still looks as it did before you tried. Now, the reason I can say, "I hope you did,", is that I think that that's really possible. In fact, I expect to someday be in a position to be able to do just that. Hand to foot. At will! Or how about hand to mouth? What's the point?

The point is, that just as you can't change your physical makeup, you can't change your basic worth. Now, when you carry that outside yourself, you find that no one else can change your hand to a foot, either. And so with your human value. There isn't one thing anyone can do to increase or decrease your worth. Not even God. OK, there's a small loophole where God's concerned. But if He did change that part of you, you wouldn't be you. You'd be something else. So that doesn't count.

Oh sure, some one could kill you. That'd make you less. Less what? Less alive. Not less in value. That's what helped the Christians in the Roman Circus with the lions. They knew with surety, that they weren't less than their murderers, just because the fools were feeding them to the lions.

You may say, "What about the soldier out there in the foxhole: he's afraid." Yes, in two ways that I see. He's afraid of dying, number one. And he's afraid of not going home. But aren't those two the same? Isn't the fear of dying, the fear of not living? That's not double-talk. You see, he won't be able to see another football game, go on that trip to Hawaii, talk to his mother, have a son. Go out there in the foxhole and ask that dogface if the enemy can do more than kill him, if they can make him worth any less than he is by shooting him. You'll find that his fear is being deprived of those things to which he feels entitled. If not a hundred percent, mostly. There is the part about facing the unknown. But that turns out to be one of many things talked about when one is asked why they don't want to die. One of the first answers to such a question is, "I've got more living to do. I'm not ready to die, yet." As I said above, the fear of dying is really the fear of not living.

Here's another example. You're stuck in a railroad track, and the train's coming. You hear the engine bearing down as you try to free your foot from the track. You hear the dreadful wail from the whistle. You look up, and see a mountain of iron just ten feet away. As the caboose passes, revealing the remains of your body, there's little doubt that you've been made less of. But only physically. The people at your funeral aren't talking about how the train took away your basic integrity. How you used to be such a kind, loving, good citizen. And how it's too bad that the locomotive turned you into such an uncaring, selfish rat. Gets ridiculous doesn't it?

Now, where are we? We find that all the things we've been afraid of, are things that we think can have an effect on our basic human value. AND, we find that nothing or no one, not even God, can really have any effect on that value. Isn't that interesting? We're afraid of being made less of, at the same time that we know we can't. No wonder people are so confused, and angry.

Like I said earlier. Sticks and stones can break my bones. Only now, we find that even those sticks and stones can't hurt me. What I want to know is, why the hell have I been wasting so much time worrying about by validity?

Nothing anyone thinks, says or does, means that I'm not a basically a person of value. No matter who laughs right in my face, they're not better than me. Of course, the hard side ot that is, that they aren't worse than me either. But that's another subject.

The place where this knowledge of my worth has helped me most is in my intimate relationships. It's allowed me to take criticism, and benefit by an outsider's view, without getting defensive and shutting off the communication. Have you ever noticed how it's our friends, who can be the most tactless when pointing out our shortcomings? It's not really that they want to put us down. They probably wouldn't even tell a lesser acquaintance. But being close gives them the feeling that they can "talk plain," and the words can get in the way of their concern for us. I our view, anyway.

If there's anything I've learned in my life, it's that words are about the least effective way to communicate. ( Except when my right brain talks backward. Speech Reversal is the Truth. Too bad we don't hear it.) I can never say things the way I feel them. Even when I'm trying to be loving, sometimes the words turn my true feelings into just the opposite. It makes me so mad. It's invalidating.

Time to re-cap. Remember way back to anger and fear? Well, if all anger, or any other distressing emotion, is based in fear, and that fear is of a perceived invalidation, and there's no such thing as invalidation, maybe we can relax a little, give people more of a break; instead of trying to cover our act so much. We can realize that even when a person is trying his best to put us down, it won't work. I love the idea of someone calling me a bunch of names and telling me how no good I am, and me calmly laughing in their face. That's got revenge beat by a smile.

And here's a neat concept for you to mull over. Not only is invalidation impossible, fear itself has no right to exist. Fear is all in the future. Fear is all based on things that haven't happened yet.

Poof! There goes anger, there goes fear. There goes invalidation. What a load off.

W-H-E-W!!

PERSONAL SAFETY

People need a certain percentage of safety to withstand the attack of their own excessive, selfish capacities. In other words, when the temptation to lower our standards comes, we can make it through if we feel secure enough in areas other than the temptation. Of course, if we're not willing to admit that we regularly do things we know aren't exactly Right, then, as Ram Dass says, "We're lost." Where can we find the strength or security that'll help us stay on track?

In our daily lives we cannot always (sometimes not at all) find that safe place in another person. Too many of my friends don't seem to measure up in a crisis like I hoped they would. I don't feel I can trust these folks to be on my side one hundred percent. To tell me "It's all right." To show me that temporarily, they'll give me a safe place to hide 'till I get over the major crisis, and can start working on the things that are causing my distress.

Some who have no real friend may turn to God, et al. And no doubt this approach can supply us with strength and answers to our problems. Mostly, however, "turning to God" has to wait until we reach the deeper levels of despair.

Why not head off these crises, by applying little bits of safety on a daily basis, and keep current with my true level of security? When trouble hits, I'll be able to put my feelings in perspective with the total picture of my life. And not let distressing feelings take over and keep me from thinking clearly. Depression is tricky stuff.

As simple as it seems, just focusing on the reality that I am supplying, and with security, my ongoing needs for food and shelter, gives me enough of a lift to allow me the realization that, on the whole, I'm making it. Even if you have some dissatisfaction with your job, a job it is. It's supplying your needs, and you're accomplishing that work--on a day to day basis.

Another area to look for our own safety is satisfaction. Whenever I've fulfilled a goal, there's an accompanying feeling of satisfaction. Thinking of that feeling helps me "buck up" when I need to. And the strength to see that project through, is included when I key in on the satisfaction. But I have to be careful not to get trapped into focusing on the details that didn't turn out just right. I have to keep in mind the overall picture.

For instance, don't dwell or give to much weight to the fact that you're somewhat lax in maintaining your small fruit orchard. Direct your attention, instead, to the reality that you now have a producing orchard where there used to be a bare patch of ground. Quite an accomplishment.

A word must be said here about Pride. The times when I'm trying to focus on my good points, is exactly the loophole Pride uses to subvert, into a self-congratulation contest, my goal of looking for my own "safe places." By remembering that I'm to look at only the objective fact of the accomplishment of the project, not it's comparative quality, I can shut Pride out.

One last and very common daily occurance, where we can discern our own safety or strength, is connected to the relief we feel when we reach a safe place. Although we don't usually connect relief with saying "thank you," it's right in there. This lack of recognition is probably due to the great familiarity of saying thank you. When we imagine the rare occurances that garner thanks, like a river rescue, the aspect of relief stands out more clearly.

Let's say someone pulls you out of the river. You're hard pressed to find adequate thanks, but you're relief at not drowning is a very tangible thing. Your rescuer may be holding you; comforting, warming, enclosing. That's' safety for sure. Relief in the fast lane.

The above example is reinforcing of the fact, that the most meaningful feelings of safety or security come mainly from outside ourselves. We still have those inside places, but validation from others, is of a higher order than that which we give ourselves. It follows, that by actively giving someone a safe place to be, you are proceeding in the construction of your own safe place.

First, you foster like behavior in your "protected" one; the one to whom you say, "It's all right." And second, you experience the strength of a "Protector;" which gives you yet another place to go when your security sags.

Of course, providing a safe place for others involves great quantities of acceptance. When someone holds me and says, "It's all right,: even though they mean, "It's all right--for now," they are showing acceptance of the whole me; in spite of my shortcomings. It's like when a person finds out what I'm really like, and hangs out with me anyway.

How does that relate to finding a safe place, when you must do it alone? We must work on accepting all that we do, judging objectively the good and bad. We must keep in mind the very small percentage of our lives that makes up the things that fall short of our standards. Why keep berating yourself over ten percent of you total life experience, while you ignore the ninety percent? The good stuff. Even the things we erroneously consider as "neutral;" like providing food for one's self.

"It's the love you give, that makes you lovable."

Whenever you do something out of love, you promote thanks, in some form, from the other person. AND ! ! Anytime someone says, "Thank you," they are showing you acceptance--a small place in their lives where you are safe. After all, it's the little daily refuges, that help form the greater umbrella of security we need in a crisis. Keeping the awareness of all the places where we behave acceptably, feel relief or satisfaction, or are given thanks, can help us regain our Personal Security.

DO SOMETHING NICE FOR YOURSELF

DON'T BE AN INVALID

WHAT PRICE FREEDOM?

HUMBLE AND PROUD OF IT

MEDDLING IN PRIDE